Grief During the Holidays

Below are some tips that may help you grieve during the holiday season:
  • Feel free to talk about your loved one.  Others may be hesitant to mention him or her for fear of upsetting you, so let them know it is OK.  You might casually say something like “Oh, that was Don’s favorite song” or “Mom always made the best gingerbread cookies” … this may bring tears or laughter or a bit of both.
  • Grief is exhausting … mentally, physically and emotionally.  Lower your expectations of yourself and others.  Together with your family or friends, re-evaluate your traditions.  Feel free to eliminate the ones that cause stress, or just put them on hold for a year.  If you always send 100 greeting cards, you can take a year off.  If you have hosted a huge family dinner for the last 10 years, maybe it is time for another family member to take a turn.  You might give fewer gifts this year because you just don’t have the energy to shop.  That is OK.  Your loved ones will understand.
  • Along those lines, it is always good to have a Plan A and a Plan B.  You might plan to go to the party, but if you just don’t feel like it at the last minute, you can revert to Plan B and just stay home and watch old Christmas movies.
  • Feel free to talk about your grief.  Especially during the holidays, you might feel as if you have to put on a happy face, but you don’t.  If people ask how you are doing, you can simply say, “I am grieving well.”  In doing so, you acknowledge that it is not an easy time, but you are doing the best you can.
  • Surround yourself with supportive, comforting people.  You will find that some of your friends and family members are better at allowing you to express your grief, and are more understanding of your limits.  Those are the people you need to be with.
  • Above all, recognize that it is OK to be happy.  It is not disrespectful of your loved one.  You will likely bounce between happiness and deep sadness … that is to be expected.  You should not feel guilty for the joy you are able to find in the holidays.
Some practical ideas:
  • Create new traditions.  Light a candle, volunteer as a family, invite someone new to dinner
  • Remember your loved one by including his favorite dish in the dinner menu, or say a toast in her honor, or play their favorite holiday music.  One family kept a bowl of M&Ms on the table because that was their loved one’s favorite candy. 
  • See a counselor … if the clash between your sadness and all the gaiety around you is just too much, call our office and make an appointment.  All of our bereavement services are available at no cost to members of the community.
  • Make a donation to your loved one’s favorite charity.
  • Pick a few of your loved one’s belongings to give to people who will appreciate them
  • Make an ornament or wreath in honor of them.
  • Accept help.  So many people want to help but don’t know what you need.  Ask for it if you need it.  It is a gift to others to allow them to help you.